Before I left on The Great Trip I felt like I hadta get some last minute advice from The Professor.
The Professor is a giant. He is probably like nine feet tall and nine hundred pounds, and he is bigger than everyone you’ve ever met, and you would be terrified of him if he weren’t The World’s Greatest Expert on Reality Travel. He sits there in his giant rocking chair and wears a giant dark tweed jacket and looks straight into your eyes, and it makes you hafta listen to everything he says.
“Beware,” he told me after listening to my plans.
“It’s alright, Professor,” I said, “I’m confident in my all strengths right now. My singing voice is at its most high and powerful, and it will help me MeToo with the Great List of Old Songs. Also my driving endurance has never been better. I’ll be able to go very long distances quickly without my butt hurting or my head going crazy with boredom.”
The Professor looked me straight in the eyes.
“So what,” he said. “What about your weaknesses?”
“What about your fear of New Realities?”
“I’m better at that now.”
“You know you can’t just avoid them because then it won’t be a Great Reality Trip, it will be a Bad one.”
“I know. I won’t.”
“And when you’re on The Road you know you have to take Sidetracks and Detours and go on spontaneous adventures just like Jack Kerouac.”
Jack Kerouac was a WriterMan Traveler who MeToo’d via The Road. He would jam pack his Great Reality Trips with Detours and Sidetracks like Hobos and Jazz Clubs and Mexican Brothel Realities.
“I know,” I said. “I’m bringing his book so I don’t forget.”
“Good, you can’t just Travel to a bunch of easy Past Realities. Have you ever been to the Slums of Detroit?”
“And when you get to The Wedding pretend like Wolf&Lamb aren’t even there and only talk to strangers, especially the oldest and meanest looking ones.”
“I can tell by the way the life just got sucked out of your face that you don’t want to.”
“I know you’re afraid of The MeNotzies, Bluebird, and I hope they kick your ass badly. I hope this whole Trip is a horrible, traumatic experience. I hope all your strengths fail you and all your weaknesses are worse than you ever imagined and you barely survive.”
“But can’t I just rely on The Training?”
“Ha! Now The Real Training begins.”
“What do I do if there’s something I don’t know about yet?”
“You’ll have to figure it out all by yourself.”
“But what if I’m about to die out there?”
“That would be great!”
“I’ll let you call me once for advice. Consider it a Graduation present. But any more, and there’s no way I will answer.”
“Now it’s time for you to leave. I’ve already advised you too much as it is.”
“Just one more thing before you go…”
“Send my regards to Wolf&Lamb!”