After calling The Professor I knew I desperately hadta go to The Reality Travel Training School. He told me to finish my degree at Artsy Lawless, cuz getting my ass kicked by all the fake Traveler MeNotzies would be good for me. And he told me I hadta tell Kat I was a Reality Traveler and going to Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains, no matter what I thought her reaction might be.
It was hard cuz I didn’t want Kat to ever become The HateKat. She was starting to turn into it a lot. Something would go wrong, or the weather would change, or there’d be no reason at all, and she’d come at me swinging with claws and leave scratches.
“What’s wrong with you?” she’d suddenly say.
Then she’d hit me with something from The Great List of HateKat MeNots.
- YOU’RE SO LAZY
- YOU GET UP TOO LATE
- YOU’RE SO MESSY
- YOU’RE A BAD DRIVER
- ALL YOUR CLASSES ARE STUPID, ESPECIALLY PSYCHOLOGY OF ROCKNROLL BANDS
- YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE
- YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING
- YOU’RE THE WORST ADULT EVER
- YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO END UP DELIVERING PIZZAS FOR A LIVING
- YOU’RE A BIG HELPLESS BABY AND YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR MOM AND DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU
- YOUR ALLERGIES AREN’T EVEN THAT BAD
- YOU’RE JUST A COWARD
- YOU’RE NOT NORMAL
- YOU NEED A THERAPIST
- YOU NEED TO CHANGE
- LOU GRAMM IS A WAY BETTER SINGER THAN STEVE PERRY
- SOMETIMES I JUST HATE YOU
When I heard things from the list I wouldn’t know what else to do but say, “It’s alright, Kat,” and duck.
Still The Professor seemed like the kinda person you should do everything he says. So I came up with a plan to break the news to Kat. First I was going to play her “It’s Time for Me to Fly.” REO Speedwagon was the next closest thing to our other favorite bands, and I figured she’d MeToo it, and it would keep her from becoming The HateKat. Then I’d tell her the truth about me and Reality Travel.
I was just about to do it too, but then we had The Last Talk.
“We have to talk,” Kat said one night when she came back from work.
“Alright,” I said.
“The lease is running out on Our Own Place, and I don’t think we should renew it.”
“You want to get another place?”
“No, I think I should move back in with my parents, and you should move back to The Dorms.”
“Because you don’t care about me at all anymore.”
“That’s not true.”
“If you did you’d be trying harder to be an Adult.”
“I’ve been trying.”
“Maybe a little at first, but lately you haven’t been trying at all. It’s like you’re distracted with something else.”
I knew it was time to tell her about Reality Travel, but I couldn’t stop looking at her mouth. I could too easily imagine how it would start turning into the shadowy skull fang mouth of The HateKat. I didn’t want to annoy it and cause it to say the worst thing that could possibly be on The Great List of MeNots, “I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“Yes, you do,” she said. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“No, there’s not.”
“Now is the time to say it.”
“Everything’s al-fucking-right, Kat!”
Then it happened. There was a screech and a roar and a bony dark claw swiped at me.
“You’d talk if you were in Love. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AT ALL!”
I couldn’t think what to say, except, “Leave me alone, you horrible mean HateKat!”
Then I went into the bedroom and closed the door and never explained anything to her. And she never asked me to again. We just kinda stopped talking all together. Then we moved out and stopped seeing each other all together. It made me sad, and I didn’t like it, but at least she didn’t turn into The HateKat again and get to say the worst thing that could possibly be on The Great List of MeNots.