“I am related to the Great Reality Traveler Gabriel Garcia Marquez,” El Puma had told me.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez was a South American WriterMan Traveler who MeToo’d via Magical Realityism. He wrote a famous book about two SoulMates who meet when they’re young but don’t actually get together until they’re really old, but at least that’s something.
“My family taught me about Reality Travel when I was a small boy, and I was inspired to become a Great Reality Traveler who MeToo’d via Love like my famous relative,” he said. “I especially wanted to Travel to the far off and exciting Realities of North America, where they had invented the 1960’s Golden Age of Love, in which Realities would Love any other Reality even if they were not attracted to them. This brought me, of course, to Artsy Lawless College, which they said had the most Reality Travelers. I thought I would be in Love here all the time, but when I arrived I discovered the 60’s Golden Age had long vanished after its leaders had all died of HIV/AIDS. It seems the women now are like little baby chickens who quickly scurry away at the sight of me, and I’ve had to learn how to hunt them. I have been studying their habits the whole time I’ve been at this campus, and now I am ready to pounce.”
When the next Dorm party came up, El Puma said we hadta go.
“Do we hafta find Love there?” I said. “I don’t really like Dorm parties.”
“I know of no other way,” he said. “There are many chicks in one place at one time, and the music and alcohol seem to help them MeToo.”
As soon as we got there a girl walked by and recognized El Puma.
“Oh gods,” she said and rolled her eyes and kept walking.
“What was that?” I asked him.
“Ah,” he said. “She is one of my past failures. I once gave her the gift of a rose, but she said it seemed like I was ‘too interested,’ and then she would not Love me. But do not worry Traveler Jonathan, there are many other chicks here to Love.”
“How do we start?”
“First we look at the chicks and decide who we like.”
I looked around the room and saw one who was cuter and fluffier and yellower than the rest. I remembered her from Voice auditions, and she had a really high and powerful chirp.
“I like that one,” I pointed, “The Hottest Chick.”
“Yes,” El Puma said, “she is flawless. Now you go speak to her.”
“But I don’t know much about her Reality yet. Shouldn’t I watch for awhile until I notice some things we can definitely MeToo about?”
“No, I have learned that approach only leads to failure. You must go to her at once while the impulse is fresh.”
“What do I say?”
“Tell her she is the most beautiful chick you have ever seen, and you imagine her mind is even more beautiful.”
“No way. I’m not saying that.”
“Anything complimentary will do. But you must say something and soon.”
“Alright, I’ll try.”
“Good, and I will try to talk to my own hot chick.”
Then he left. I watched my chick from across the room and waited for the right moment to make my move. I was hoping maybe something from the Great List of Old Songs would come on, and she’d show some sign she liked it, and then I’d swoop in for the MeToo. But as always they didn’t play anything I knew.
El Puma came back soon.
“I am very upset,” he said. “I went up to the chick, and she was very flattered by my compliments. But before we could MeToo any further, another chick interrupted and warned my chick that I am a ‘stalker.’”
“I am still relatively new to America and do not know yet what this word means.”
“It means like a hunter.”
“But I do not mean to kill and eat them for food. Can’t they see I am only hunting for Love?”
“Enough of my troubles,” he said. “What did you say to your chick?”
“I didn’t talk to her.”
“I see. Perhaps it is best not to begin with the Hottest Chick.”
“But that’s the only one I like.”
“I know what you are saying, but I have discovered you often must hunt at least ten chicks before you catch one’s Love.”
“That’s a lot tho.”
“Yes, and there is only so much time. Let us return to the hunt!”
This time I watched El Puma operate. He was right, most of the chicks ran away from him, but eventually one danced right next to him, and they even started to kiss for awhile. He came back later to tell me about it.
“We have just MeToo’d with the mouth many times,” he said, “I believe this could turn into Love.”
“You did it!”
“Yes, and she has invited me to her room, where we may confirm this Love with the Horizontal MeToo. But before I go I want to know how you are doing?”
“I still haven’t talked to anyone.”
“I understand. You are not as experienced in what to say to chicks. As your new Reality Travel brother, perhaps I must speak to her for you.”
Then El Puma went over there. I was too far away to hear what they were saying, but they looked over at me once, and then he came back pretty quickly.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“I told her you think she is the hottest one here.”
“And what did she say?”
“She said it would have been much more attractive for you to approach her yourself.”
“It is alright. I did not speak with her for long but I could tell she is a MeNotzie.”
“Yes, she would’ve just MeNotted everything you say. You wouldn’t want her Love.”
“Do not worry, Traveler Jonathan. Love hunting is very difficult and there is much failure, but you must not give up.”
“I must now go with my chick. Will you be alright without me?”
Then I left the party alone right after he did.