El Puma took us to his girlfriend’s room. It was the first time I’d seen her, and surprisingly she didn’t look like a chick at all, but a sleek and feline pantheress, wearing a blue striped soccer jersey that said GARCIA MARQUEZ on the back.
“Mi Amor,” El Puma said to her, “this is the Great Reality Traveler Traveler Jonathan. He has arrived all the way from The Reality Travel Training School in far off and exciting Western North America, where he has learned all the latest and fashionable MeToo techniques.”
“I’ve heard so much about you,” Mi Amor said and hugged me.
“Mi Amor is a Reality Traveler, too,” El Puma explained. “She particularly studies the Great South American Poet Travelers.”
“I like Gabriel Garcia Marquez the best,” she said. “That’s how we met.”
“Yes,” El Puma said. “It was the very last day of my last year at Artsy Lawless and the last day of her first year. Never before had I seen such a magnificent creature returning South American poetry books to the library. I had to tell her about my relative at once, and it began The Conversation Which Would Not End. It was as if The Gods were choosing the words for us, and there was a perfect 100% MeToo overlap. And afterward, we looked into one another’s eyes and something was known.”
“We’ve been in Love ever since,” she said.
“Mi Amor,” El Puma said. “What would you say is my great relative’s best work?”
“It has to be Love in the Time of Cholera,” she said.
“I like that one, too,” I said.
“Mi, Amor, did you notice the ease at which Traveler Jonathan has just MeToo’d us?” El Puma said.
“Yes,” she said. “It was amazing.”
“I also like your jersey,” I said.
“He goes again!”
“Thanks,” she said. “It’s El Puma’s old soccer uniform.”
“It looks like the jersey for The Great South American Poet Team,” I said.
“I have not thought of this before, but it does!” El Puma said. “Mi Amor, who would you select for such a team?”
“Hmm,” she said. “Neruda, Borges…”
“I might also guess you’d include Cortazar, Vallejo, and Paz?” he said.
“Yes, and Gabriela Mistral,” she added.
“Of course,” he said. “It would be unforgiveable to exclude her.”
“Don’t forget Marquez,” I said.
“That is right, Traveler Jonathan,” El Puma said. “My relative is so important he must play goalie.”
“I like this lineup game,” Mi Amor said.
“MeToo,” El Puma said.
And then they kissed passionately, and I could see how much True Love they really had.
“Shall we enter the party now?” El Puma said. “Traveler Jonathan may want to hunt some chicks for Love tonight.”
“El Puma!” Mi Amor scolded him. “Hunt? Chicks?! First of all, every woman is her own beautiful animal. And secondly, you know that’s not how it works. He just has to wait patiently until his SoulMate arrives, and then they will just know.”
“Forgive me, Mi Amor, I do not know why, but these words just came out involuntarily. You know you have transformed my views on Love.”
“It’s Alright,” I said. “I don’t really feel like hunting for Love anyway after kissing the Angel.”
Then I told them both the whole story.
“How could I forget, Traveler Jonathan has learned to be an Angel-Lover now!” El Puma said.
“Ooh,” Mi Amor said, “that sounds like when El Puma and I first kissed.”
“Ah yes, it was the Kiss that Stopped the World,” El Puma said.
“What if she’s in Love with you like that, Traveler Jonathan?” Mi Amor said.
“Of course she is in Love with him like that, how could she not be?” El Puma said.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I think it’s against the God Rules or something.”
“Love doesn’t have any Rules tho,” Mi Amor said.
“Listen to her,” El Puma said. “There is no more an expert on Love than Mi Amor.”
“Alright,” I said.
Then we went into the Dorm Party. It was exactly the same as all the others we usta go to, except most of the Realities I’d seen before were gone and replaced by strangers. There was one who looked just like The Hottest Chick from when I went there. I was hit by a quick TimeWarp and was suddenly desperate for her Love, but at the same time felt too shy and unLoveable to approach. I looked over at El Puma for help, but he wasn’t hunting anymore cuz he was in Love, and it gave me a TimeFuck. I got dizzy and had to sit down and look at the inside of my jacket. The sticker in there told me I was a Trained Reality Traveler who was better than these amateur college Realities, and it told me what I should do about it. I went back over to El Puma and pulled him aside.
“Look,” I said. “These Past Realities aren’t advanced enough Travel for me anymore.”
“My apologies,” El Puma said. “I should have known this.”
“We have to go somewhere MeTooing actually means something.”
“Where do you have in mind?”
El Puma paused.
“Are you sure?” he said. “This can be quite a challenging city for a Reality Traveler.”
“That’s exactly why we have to.”
“I understand. I will tell Mi Amor, and we will leave at once.”
He went over and talked to her, but she got an uncomfortable look on her face.
“Do you have to?” I heard her say.
He leaned in and whispered some things, and they kissed, and then he came back.
“Mi Amor has never been too fond of the NewYorkCity,” he said. “And I must admit I often feel the same. It can sometimes feel like the capital of the MeNotzies.”
“She will stay here with her friends. I do not like to leave her side, but I will if you insist.”
“Yes, there’s nothing more important than NewYorkCity right now. And it has to be done as a Traveler Team.”
“Then I shall come with you.”
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll drive.”
He gave Mi Amor one last True Love kiss, and then we left.