After The Ceremony The Ants demanded we all get in a big line to congratulate Wolf&Lamb. It went slowly, and I hadta listen to the Adults next to me talk about The Wedding.
“I don’t really know The Bride or The Groom” an Adult said, “but it was nice.”
“What’s Wolfy’s boy do again?” an Adult asked another Adult.
“I dunno,” they said. “I think he’s a Traveling Realtor. Is that a thing?”
“I think they both do drugs,” another Adult said.
“No, no,” another Adult said, “they’re good kids.”
I was too frozen to tell them what Wolf&Lamb were really about and just hadta pretend I didn’t have ears for awhile.
When you got to the front of the line The Ants gave you a few seconds to say something before they pushed you away and the next Reality went. Wolf&Lamb looked bad. Their bodies were stiff, their faces were gray, and their eyes just stared out. It seemed like it might be the first stages of Traveler Vertigo.
“Are you guys getting your ass kicked,too?” I cut to the chase, “I keep getting too frozen to do the New Reality Sequence, and I haven’t MeToo’d anyone yet.”
“Hurry up,” an Ant interrupted. “It’s a long line.”
“Just shake my hand and say,congratulations,” Wolf told me.
I did what he said, and then he pulled me close and whispered, ”Traveler Lubricant… Lots of it… Now shake Lamb’s hand and congratulate her,too.”
I did what he said and then Lamb pulled me in and whispered, “There’s an Open Bar, all free.”
“Where? How?” I asked.
But before she could answer a Soldier came to grab my arm. I didn’t want my arm grabbed again so I dodged it and then hadta just run away.
I kept going until I got to the tent. It wasn’t like a camping tent. It was more like a building with thin plastic walls and windows, and it was big enough to hold all of the Realities of The Wedding inside. There was another long line in there leading to a table with some kinda Bartender Ant who was surrounded by bottles of Alcohol. “Ah,” I said and got in.
“You supposta be in this line?” an Adult next to me said.
I didn’t say anything.
“Where are your parents?”
“Yeah, do they know you’re in this line?”
“I’m not a kid,” I said.
“Well, you don’t look like an Adult,” they said.
Then I hadta point my head down and stare at the ground so they wouldn’t say anything else to me.
“What do you want?” The Bartender said when I got to the front. “It’s all free.”
“Great!” I said. “I want an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and an entire 2 liter of Dr. Pepper.”
The Bartender laughed, and when he made the drink, there was only a little of both poured in a tiny paper cup.
“Have to make sure there’s enough for everyone,” he said.
“Oh,” I said.
I looked around and everyone only had a tiny paper cup, even Adults like Old Wolfy and his SalesMen friends. You’d see them drink it down in one gulp and then hafta get right back at the end of the line for another. The line looked so long you figured your first small drop of Lubricant would probably wear off before you got the next one. I realized I’d be in the lowest magnitude of Alcohol Perception the whole rest of The Wedding. I drank my drink in one gulp even tho I knew I’d still have some squeaky tight mind machinery anyway.
Inside the tent there was a big dance floor with lots of tables around, which had namecards by each chair. It looked like they were organized by Reality Groups, like Lamb’s Distant Cousins’ Realities or Wolf’s Distant Cousins’ Realities. One table was higher up than the other tables and all of its namecards were in fancy gold writing. Bride and Groom, Bride and Groom’s parents, Best Man and Wife, Maid of Honor and Date, Usher – The Important Wedding Realities.
Then I found my namecard at some kinda Miscellaneous Realities table. I’d never heard the names before, and neither had anyone else there. Soon everyone sat down there to eat and hadta start asking each other questions. Like WolforLamb? Name? Hometown? Job? And marriage status? I didn’t answer any of them. I just sat there frozen waiting for the music to come on.
Then The Important Wedding Realities got to make speeches. An Ant came around with a microphone and handed it to each one of them, and they said what they thought The Wedding was about. Some were heartfelt like Lamb’s Dad.
“The Wedding is about my daughter being happy,” he said,“and that’s all a dad wants.”
Some were shy like Scorpion.
“The Wedding is about…” he said, “um, I don’t know… Congratulations I guess.”
And some were a RockStar like Emperor Penguin.
“The Wedding is about everyone here being Great,” he said. “I don’t really know Lamb, but I’ve known Wolf since HighSchool. And I know he only chooses to be around Great Realities. Like me (pause for laughter). And that means Lamb must be a great Reality, and if you’re at this Wedding you’re a Great Reality, too.”
It was a cheap MeToo, but it worked, and everyone laughed and felt good cuz they felt like they were a Great Reality. It only made me wanna make my own speech, maybe about the first time me and Wolf&Lamb went to Karaoke and how they meant a lot to me.
Then Ant passed the microphone to another Ant who was set up at a table on the side with a bunch of music.
“Now it’s time for The First Dance,” a DJ Ant said.
“Yes!” I said. “Finally.”
And then Wolf&Lamb got to get up and go to the middle of the dancefloor, while everyone stood up around them and watched. The DJ started playing Coldplay’s “Sparks,” and Wolf&Lamb got close together and slow danced. I was just about to tell everyone I was the only one there who was actually around when they chose the song. Realities around me started whispering tho.
“I’ve never heard of this song,” an Adult said.
“Me neither” another one said. “Who is this?”
“Is this Dave Matthews Band?”
Dave Matthews Band is a band about Dave Matthews’s high but unpowerful voice.
“No, it’s John Mayer.”
John Mayer is a musician all about John Mayer’s high but unpowerful voice.
Finally Emperor Penguin stepped in.
“Pfft,” he said. “You’re all wrong. This is Coldplay.”
And the “Pfft” was a horrible sound that was maybe even worse than “tsst” or “eh,” and it made it seem like Coldplay didn’t deserve to make music ever.
“Oh,” everyone said.
And they all rolled their eyes and shook their heads and went “pfft,” too. And I couldn’t find anyone who looked like they would MeToo liking it.
When the song was over, the DJ told everyone they could come on the dancefloor now. And then, to make matters the worst they could possibly be, he put on That One “Hot, Hot, Hot,”Song…