8.2 – The Professor’s Reality Travel Training Lesson: War

“Beware of War,” The Professor said.  “There are times when a MeNotzie will try to Dominate another MeNotzie.  Neither will want to get Dominated, and if they’re evenly matched they’ll look for ways to gain the upper hand.  They may start with words but then turn to harming each other’s bodies.  If still neither has an advantage,they may try to build an Army of other Realities against each other.  And then if they still cannot Dominate the other, they will use weapons to try and eliminate the other Reality forever.  This is War, and it’s what you have been Called Upon by The Gods to stop.

You may believe as a Reality Traveler you are the furthest thing possible from a MeNotzie.  It may seem like you’re above that, you’d never stoop to that level, and others would because The Gods just made them from a different Other World material than you.  But I have a surprise for you…

Every Reality is a MeNotzie sometimes, even Reality Travelers.

There will be moments when another Reality seems so different, so wrong, and so dangerous that everything inside you will beg you to Dominate them, but you have to resist this urge at all costs.  War is a nearly unforgivable hypocrisy and the worst thing a Reality Traveler can possibly do.  When you find yourself on the Brink of War, there is really only one thing you can do. You must say The Eleventh Hour MeToo – I am being a MeNotzie too. And then hopefully all sides will be able to cool down.

Now we must all take The Reality Traveler Vow.  Repeat after me…

I will never start a War.

I will never participate in a War.

I will never advocate a War.

I will always do everything in my power short of War to stop a War.”

 

Then everyone in the class repeated The Vow.

8.1 – RISK

Me and The General&The Admiral usta play RISK.

RISK is a board game about World Domination.  The board has all the major Realities of The World on it, and each player tries to Dominate as many as possible with their Armies. Whoever Dominates the most Realities wins.

We all liked War a lot and wanted to be Great WarMen one day, and we even gave each other War Names.  “The General” was The Ruler of The Land, “The Admiral” was The Ruler of The Sea, and I was “Ace,” The Ruler of The Skies.  Winning RISK was very important cuz it proved whether you’d be a Great WarMan one day or not.  The General always won.

One time I was winning tho.  I managed to get all the far off and exciting Realities of easily defensible Australia, and from there I built a big Army that crushed all the nearby Armies in Asia.  Then I tried to stop anyone else from getting their own whole continent of Realities, easily beating The Admiral in Europe and Africa.  I just had to beat The General in the close by and exciting Realities of North America and victory was mine.

“You’ll lose,” The General said.

“No way,” I said. “Look how many more Armies I have.”

“You’ll still lose.”

“No, you’ll lose and hafta admit I’m better than you at War.”

But The General just confidently shook his head.

Then we rolled the dice to see who would win the battle.  My dice had lower numbers than his, and it made me lose a couple Armies.

“See,” The General said.

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.

“That’s just one battle tho,” I said.  “The odds are way on my side.”

We rolled again, and I lost again.

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “Against the odds.”

“It has nothing to do with odds,” The General said.

We kept rolling, and I kept losing, and The Admiral kept going “hahaha.”  Soon The General had just as many Armies as me.  The smart thing to do was retreat, save some Armies, rebuild, and attack later, but I kept attacking anyway.

“This is impossible,” I said.  “The odds will have to come thru eventually.”

But I still kept losing until I was down to my last Army.  The odds were now way not on my side, but I rolled again, and one more time the numbers on my dice were smaller than his.

“I win,” The General said.

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “He always wins.”

“But I had the odds on my side!”

“Yes, Ace, but you don’t have The Gods on your side, and I do, and that’s what really matters.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You see,The Gods make some people, like me, born winners, and some people, like you, born losers.  No matter what you do, you’ll always lose.”

“Hahaha,” Admiral said.  “Fate.”

They made me so mad I grabbed the board off the table and threw it against the wall, and all the pieces went flying onto the floor.

4.12 – Full House

When I woke up the next day at Kat’s parents’ house, she was gone at work. Your Son was lying on my neck and licking me all over. My face was so snotted up I hadta do a full head-dunk in the sink before I could do anything else. I took a double dose of Benadryl Perception, grabbed some Fudge Grams and went to the couch. It seemed like maybe there were other Reality Travel things I was supposta do that day, but I watched episodes of Full House on TV instead.

Full House is an old TV show about Reality Travel. In it a Musicman Traveler, known as Uncle Jesse, is trapped in an overpopulated house of nothing but Adults and Children who adorably say Adult things like “How Rude?!” He is supposta be MeTooing the World with RockNRoll, but instead the Full House Dominates him into becoming a babysitter. They make him do things like take the Kids to School, and enforce bedtimes, and change diapers. He’s so busy there’s never enough time to Travel on his motorcycle or make MeToo songs.

My favorite episode was when Uncle Jesse is finally sick of Domination and tries to break free. He rides his motorcycle far away to his old Reality Traveler allies, and they play music together again, and some of them are pretty girls who really like the way his voice sounds.

“Yes, Uncle Jesse!” I said to the TV. “Stay there forever.”

But talking to the TV didn’t help. Eventually the Full House lured him back by tricking him that one of the Kids was sick and he was the only one who could make her well. Then Uncle Jesse was brainwashed into realizing he actually Loved the Kids more now than Reality Travel, and he never left the Full House again.

“Aw,” I said. “I guess you can’t blame him too much. The Kids are very adorable.”

4.2 – The Professor’s Training Lesson: Domination

“Beware of Domination,” The Professor said. “Domination is whenever a MeNotzie tries to force you to do something you know is not Right for your Reality. This can take many forms such as ridicule, argument, seduction, intimidation, or physical violence.

You may be tempted out of fear, shame, or MeToo Desperation to give in to The Domination. This may satisfy the MeNotzie, but the MeToo will not be genuine and it won’t count.

You may also be tempted to boldly resist, Fight Fire with Fire, and put the MeNotzie down. But this will only make the MeNotzie more impossible MeToo, and it might even lead to War.”

“When confronted with MeNotzie Domination, it is recommended a Reality Traveler use the two-step strategy known as Always Be Your Own Reality & Roll with the Punches. First you should never do anything that doesn’t feel Right for your Reality. Then you must accept any possible MeNotzie reaction to this. Even if the MeNotzie decides to use their arms and fists to punch your body, you must roll with them, continue to Be Your Own Reality, and not punch back. The MeNotzie may then go away or may punch even more, but just possibly they may end up MeTooing your Reality. And there is nothing sweeter than a genuine MeNotzie MeToo.

4.1 – Ohio Gas Station

I didn’t get far from The Smaller Nest before I hadta get gas again. It was all running smoothly at first. I had the money Mom gave me, and the gas station lady knew how to successfully operate the pre-pay system. But just as I was about to pump this guy with a long snout-face and crazy-eyes came up to me.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I looked around for something I wasn’t doing right, but I couldn’t find anything.

“I don’t know how it works in Where-thePlains-Meet-TheMountains,” he said looking at my license plate, “but in Ohio you have to keep your engine running while you pump.”

“That’s bullshit,” I said. “I grew up in Ohio, and I know the Rules of Driving. That could cause an explosion.”

“They just changed it in the last couple years. You have to now. It’s the law.”

“But why?”

“Something about better fuel efficiency. Helps the gas work its way in there better.”

“Oh.”

I’d never heard of such of thing, but I went in the car and turned the ignition back on anyway.

“Hahahahahahahahaha,” the guy said.

It was the longest yippie-howl of a laugh I’d ever heard. Just like a pack of coyotes in the night.

“Hahaha,” The Coyote said. “I’m just fuckin with you. Turn that engine off before you blow us all up.”

I turned the engine right back off.

“Hahaha, they don’t make em too smart where you’re from, do they?” The Coyote said.

“Stupid MeNotzie Domination,” I said to myself.