4.13 – El Puma Calls

I was in the middle of another Full House episode when El Puma called. El Puma is a LoverMan Traveler from the far off and exciting Realities of South America, who I knew from my last year at Artsy Lawless. He was living in NewYorkCity now, and I’d told him I was gonna Travel to his Reality that day.

“I am at the NewYorkCity Department of Driving and The MeNotzies have taken over,” El Puma said. “If you are near you must come at once.”

“I’m still in Kat Reality,” I said.

“How soon can you be here?”

“I dunno. What are The MeNotzies doing?”

“I was taking my written Driver Test when my pen ran out of ink. I then very politely asked the man next to me if I could borrow one from him, but he said ‘Are you crazy? That’s against the rules. We’ll both fail the test.’ I said ‘My deepest and most sincere regrets for bothering you, sir.’ Upon which he then did hand me a pen and said, ‘Just fuckin’ with you. Here ya go.’ I asked him why he had not been honest from the beginning, and in response he told me to ‘Lighten up.’ Needless to say I did not accept his pen. Traveler Jonathan, have you ever heard of such a MeNotzie?”

“Sure, he’s one of those I’m-Just-Fuckin-With-You MeNotzies. They could easily MeToo you but choose not to for a cheap laugh.”

“Yes, that is exactly what he was! Tell me, how do I respond to him?

“I dunno.”

“But I assume you have learned tactics in your Reality Travel Training for such a situation.”

“I guess so.”

“What is the matter? You do not sound well.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Ah yes, I can imagine one who Travels to so many Realities must become quite fatigued.”


“Perhaps tho you can summon enough strength to Travel to NewYorkCity?”

“Maybe. It’s pretty hard to get there tho.”

“I believe it is really not too difficult. You take the train from Just-Outside County Station and then transfer to the subway at…”


“Eh? What is ‘eh?’”

“You hafta remember the subway is very hard for a non-NewYorkCity Reality to figure out.”

“Ah yes, I did not think of this. Perhaps you can drive here in your car then?”

“Yeah, but then I’d have to parallel park somewhere, and that is also very hard.”

“Ah yes, I did not think of this either.”

“I think I’m just going to stay in this Reality for awhile. Kat’s being the LoveKat so far.”

“Ohh, why did you not say so earlier? Love with a chick is the most important thing, and you must not leave if there is a chance of having it.”

“Yeah, and I usta show LoveKat what Love is like all the time, so we might do that again.”

“Then stay. But if you want to Travel after the Love, you may find me tonight at Artsy Lawless, where I will be having my own Love with Mi Amor who is still a student there.”

“Alright, maybe.”

“Do not worry, Traveler Jonathan. If you do not make it, I will understand and feel joy for you.”


After the call I started watching Full House again.

“Hey, wait,” I said to the TV. “How come Uncle Jesse’s not getting The Malaise at all?”

4.12 – Full House

When I woke up the next day at Kat’s parents’ house, she was gone at work. Your Son was lying on my neck and licking me all over. My face was so snotted up I hadta do a full head-dunk in the sink before I could do anything else. I took a double dose of Benadryl Perception, grabbed some Fudge Grams and went to the couch. It seemed like maybe there were other Reality Travel things I was supposta do that day, but I watched episodes of Full House on TV instead.

Full House is an old TV show about Reality Travel. In it a Musicman Traveler, known as Uncle Jesse, is trapped in an overpopulated house of nothing but Adults and Children who adorably say Adult things like “How Rude?!” He is supposta be MeTooing the World with RockNRoll, but instead the Full House Dominates him into becoming a babysitter. They make him do things like take the Kids to School, and enforce bedtimes, and change diapers. He’s so busy there’s never enough time to Travel on his motorcycle or make MeToo songs.

My favorite episode was when Uncle Jesse is finally sick of Domination and tries to break free. He rides his motorcycle far away to his old Reality Traveler allies, and they play music together again, and some of them are pretty girls who really like the way his voice sounds.

“Yes, Uncle Jesse!” I said to the TV. “Stay there forever.”

But talking to the TV didn’t help. Eventually the Full House lured him back by tricking him that one of the Kids was sick and he was the only one who could make her well. Then Uncle Jesse was brainwashed into realizing he actually Loved the Kids more now than Reality Travel, and he never left the Full House again.

“Aw,” I said. “I guess you can’t blame him too much. The Kids are very adorable.”