6.11 – Emperor Penguin

Old Wolfy then introduced me to The Great List of Wedding Realities…

Old Wolfy
Wolf’s Mother, SheWolfy
Wolf’s Sister
Wolf’s Sister’s Fiancee
Uncle White Fang
Aunt Fullmoon
Cousin The Nothing
Cousin The Nothing’s Date
Peter
Peter’s Date
Girl In Little Red Hoodie
Girl In Little Red Hoodie’s Grandmother
Girl In Little Red Hoodie’s Grandmother’s Date
Didn’t Make An Impression
Didn’t Make An Impression’s Date
Lamb’s Dad, Ram
Lamb’s Mom, Ewe
Lamb’s Younger Sister
Lamb’s Younger Sister’s Date
Lamb’s Youngest Sister
Lamb’s Youngest Sister’s Date
Uncle Bighorn
Aunt Bo Peep
Cousin Blacksheep
Cousin Blacksheep’s Date
Mary
Mary’s Date
So (Male)
So (Female)
Wild Turkey
Wild Turkey’s Date
Someone Else I Can’t Remember
Someone Else I Can’t Remember’s Date
The Perceptionism Professor
The Perceptionism Professor’s Date
Scorpion, The Best Man
Scorpion, The Best Man’s Wife
Emperor Penguin

He introduced me to each one as The Guy Who Drove All The Way From Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains. They’d say something like, “How bout that.” Then I’d get too frozen to shake their hand or ask them any questions, and they’d get uncomfortable and turn away unMeToo’d. Old Wolfy would give me a strange look like, “You’re supposta be a Reality Traveler, right?” and then he’d just push me ahead to the next Reality.

The last Reality I was introduced to was a younger guy who had the best looking tuxedo of anyone there. It was a good shiny black, but most importantly it had a golden bowtie that was so shiny it looked like it was made of actual sun. When we got to him he was in the middle of tickling a pretty girl who was laughing very hard. He was so cool and comfortable it was like he tickled someone while wearing a Tuxedo every single day of his life.

“This is Emperor Penguin,” Old Wolfy said. “He’s The Usher.”

Some Realities at The Wedding were so important they were given titles and tasks like helping Realities find their seats during the ceremony. I’d heard about The Usher before. He was Wolf’s best friend in HighSchool, and he was supposta be some kind of Musicman Traveler who MeToo’d via being a RockStar.

Old Wolfy interrupted the tickling and got his attention.

“I’d like to introduce you to The Guy Who Drove All The Way From Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains,” he said.

Emperor Penguin looked me up and down.

“Who are you?” he said. “The Prom Chaperone?”

The Prom Chaperone is an Adult about monitoring kids at a school dance. At the dance the kids dress in their finest clothes to impress each other, but The Chaperone doesn’t care about impressing kids and wears something in between their regular clothes and their finest clothes.

I didn’t like Emperor Penguin’s question and didn’t answer it. I waited for him to say “I’m just fucking with you,” but strangely he never said it. He just laughed and turned away and started tickling the pretty girl again.

“Stop, haha” she laughed and didn’t try to get away.

“I guess he’s hitting it off with Lamb’s sister,” Old Wolfy said.

“I guess so,” I said.

“What can you say? He’s a RockStar.”

But I’m the RockStar, I thought to myself.

5.16 – TheHeart-of-theStreets Street

“That was the greatest MeToo I have ever witnessed with my own eyes,” El Puma said as we got back in the car. “It had everything. A pure and genuine MeToo. From a Reality which at first appeared very different from our own. And of course The Gods were involved. I find myself very inspired now. Maybe I will quit the Major Financial Newspaper and become a full time Reality Traveler who helps The World MeToo via Love.”

“Yes!” I said.

Soon we were on Heart-of-theStreets Street, and everything was full of lights and Realities. There were streetlamps and traffic lights and car headlights, and every building had a neon light bar on the bottom floor. There was a light glow in the sky, and it was so bright it seemed like day instead of night. There were Downtown Hits coming at us from every direction, and Realities were even dancing to it in the middle of the street. In fact, there were so many Realities outside I could barely move Wings forward anymore. They were Realities of all types, but they were all talking in NewYorkCity accents and going “ey!” One chick even walked in front of the car, looked at the license plate and waved, “Eyyy, Where-ThePlains-Meets-TheMountains,” like she wanted to do the Horizontal MeToo right then and there with Wings.

“This would be a very good place to find Love,” El Puma said. “Here the chicks seem to hunt you.”

“I don’t even care about that,” I said. “I just wanna get out and MeToo as much as we can.”

“I am motivated by your second wind. My apartment building is nearby. Let us park there and walk back to this Heart-of-theStreets Street Reality Fiesta.”

When we got to El Puma’s block I couldn’t find anywhere to park. It was all parallel, and there were no good gaps to fit in.

“Dammit,” I said. “My main driving weakness. Are there any valet places around here?”

“Not that I know of,” he said. “But that space over there looks big enough.”

“Maybe, but it has to be way big for me to get in there. Do you see any Reality Traveler houseflies around here?”

“Perhaps we do not have to park directly in front of my building.”

“Alright.”

I kept driving around the block, but there was still nothing easy enough. I hadta go further and further until finally I found a whole street with no cars parked on it.

“Do you think we can park here?” I said.

“I do not know,” he said. “But I do not see any signs which say we cannot.”

I didn’t either, so I just pulled over and easily parked. It felt too easy tho, and I was nervous that Wings could get towed away in the night.

A couple of NewYorkCity Realities were standing nearby in the shadows.  They didn’t seem as joyful as the Heart-of-theStreets Realities. They were very close to the garbage and had pointed noses and whiskers like CityRats.

“Should we ask them?” I said.

“They look like they could be MeNotzie Perception Dealers,” El Puma said.

“Remember the Humility Mantra tho. They’re just like us. Also we can’t forget we’ve got a 100% MeToo rate on NewYorkCity Realities tonight.”

“This is true.”

We went up to them.

“Excuse me sir,” I said. “Do you know if it’s alright to park here?”

“Yoocrazy?” one of the Rats said. “Fuck no!”

“Oh,” I said and turned to El Puma. “I guess we hafta keep trying. I think there was a spot a couple streets ago that we might be able to squeeze into and only scratch the other cars a little bit.”

Then the Rats started laughing.

“I’m jus fuckin witchoo,” the one said. “You c’n pawrk here. Read da sign!”

He pointed to a sign we hadn’t seen that said you could park there. El Puma got mad.

“We are very nice Realities who approached you in a respectful manner,” he told them. “There was no reason to lie to us at first.”

“Yo, you gotta lighten up,” the other Rat said.

Then he came forward and punched El Puma hard in the shoulder. And then the other Rat came forward and punched me hard in the shoulder, and it hurt. Then both Rats started laughing. I looked over at El Puma, and we both had the same thought. We didn’t say anything else to the Rats and just started walking toward his apartment. They didn’t follow us, but we could hear them talking. They were trying to sound like us.

“Um, yes, uh, sir, uh…” one said in his wimpiest voice.

“Uh, yes, do you know if we could, uh, possibly park here…” the other said in his nerdiest voice.

It made them laugh really hard.

4.13 – El Puma Calls

I was in the middle of another Full House episode when El Puma called. El Puma is a LoverMan Traveler from the far off and exciting Realities of South America, who I knew from my last year at Artsy Lawless. He was living in NewYorkCity now, and I’d told him I was gonna Travel to his Reality that day.

“I am at the NewYorkCity Department of Driving and The MeNotzies have taken over,” El Puma said. “If you are near you must come at once.”

“I’m still in Kat Reality,” I said.

“How soon can you be here?”

“I dunno. What are The MeNotzies doing?”

“I was taking my written Driver Test when my pen ran out of ink. I then very politely asked the man next to me if I could borrow one from him, but he said ‘Are you crazy? That’s against the rules. We’ll both fail the test.’ I said ‘My deepest and most sincere regrets for bothering you, sir.’ Upon which he then did hand me a pen and said, ‘Just fuckin’ with you. Here ya go.’ I asked him why he had not been honest from the beginning, and in response he told me to ‘Lighten up.’ Needless to say I did not accept his pen. Traveler Jonathan, have you ever heard of such a MeNotzie?”

“Sure, he’s one of those I’m-Just-Fuckin-With-You MeNotzies. They could easily MeToo you but choose not to for a cheap laugh.”

“Yes, that is exactly what he was! Tell me, how do I respond to him?

“I dunno.”

“But I assume you have learned tactics in your Reality Travel Training for such a situation.”

“I guess so.”

“What is the matter? You do not sound well.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Ah yes, I can imagine one who Travels to so many Realities must become quite fatigued.”

“Sortuv.”

“Perhaps tho you can summon enough strength to Travel to NewYorkCity?”

“Maybe. It’s pretty hard to get there tho.”

“I believe it is really not too difficult. You take the train from Just-Outside County Station and then transfer to the subway at…”

“Eh.”

“Eh? What is ‘eh?’”

“You hafta remember the subway is very hard for a non-NewYorkCity Reality to figure out.”

“Ah yes, I did not think of this. Perhaps you can drive here in your car then?”

“Yeah, but then I’d have to parallel park somewhere, and that is also very hard.”

“Ah yes, I did not think of this either.”

“I think I’m just going to stay in this Reality for awhile. Kat’s being the LoveKat so far.”

“Ohh, why did you not say so earlier? Love with a chick is the most important thing, and you must not leave if there is a chance of having it.”

“Yeah, and I usta show LoveKat what Love is like all the time, so we might do that again.”

“Then stay. But if you want to Travel after the Love, you may find me tonight at Artsy Lawless, where I will be having my own Love with Mi Amor who is still a student there.”

“Alright, maybe.”

“Do not worry, Traveler Jonathan. If you do not make it, I will understand and feel joy for you.”

“Thanks.”

After the call I started watching Full House again.

“Hey, wait,” I said to the TV. “How come Uncle Jesse’s not getting The Malaise at all?”

4.1 – Ohio Gas Station

I didn’t get far from The Smaller Nest before I hadta get gas again. It was all running smoothly at first. I had the money Mom gave me, and the gas station lady knew how to successfully operate the pre-pay system. But just as I was about to pump this guy with a long snout-face and crazy-eyes came up to me.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I looked around for something I wasn’t doing right, but I couldn’t find anything.

“I don’t know how it works in Where-thePlains-Meet-TheMountains,” he said looking at my license plate, “but in Ohio you have to keep your engine running while you pump.”

“That’s bullshit,” I said. “I grew up in Ohio, and I know the Rules of Driving. That could cause an explosion.”

“They just changed it in the last couple years. You have to now. It’s the law.”

“But why?”

“Something about better fuel efficiency. Helps the gas work its way in there better.”

“Oh.”

I’d never heard of such of thing, but I went in the car and turned the ignition back on anyway.

“Hahahahahahahahaha,” the guy said.

It was the longest yippie-howl of a laugh I’d ever heard. Just like a pack of coyotes in the night.

“Hahaha,” The Coyote said. “I’m just fuckin with you. Turn that engine off before you blow us all up.”

I turned the engine right back off.

“Hahaha, they don’t make em too smart where you’re from, do they?” The Coyote said.

“Stupid MeNotzie Domination,” I said to myself.