4.16 – HateKat

After calling The Professor I knew I desperately hadta go to The Reality Travel Training School. He told me to finish my degree at Artsy Lawless, cuz getting my ass kicked by all the fake Traveler MeNotzies would be good for me. And he told me I hadta tell Kat I was a Reality Traveler and going to Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains, no matter what I thought her reaction might be.

It was hard cuz I didn’t want Kat to ever become The HateKat. She was starting to turn into it a lot. Something would go wrong, or the weather would change, or there’d be no reason at all, and she’d come at me swinging with claws and leave scratches.

“What’s wrong with you?” she’d suddenly say.

Then she’d hit me with something from The Great List of HateKat MeNots.

  • YOU’RE SO LAZY
  • YOU GET UP TOO LATE
  • YOU’RE SO MESSY
  • YOU’RE A BAD DRIVER
  • ALL YOUR CLASSES ARE STUPID, ESPECIALLY PSYCHOLOGY OF ROCKNROLL BANDS
  • YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE
  • YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING
  • YOU’RE THE WORST ADULT EVER
  • YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO END UP DELIVERING PIZZAS FOR A LIVING
  • YOU’RE A BIG HELPLESS BABY AND YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR MOM AND DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU
  • YOUR ALLERGIES AREN’T EVEN THAT BAD
  • YOU’RE JUST A COWARD
  • YOU’RE NOT NORMAL
  • YOU NEED A THERAPIST
  • YOU NEED TO CHANGE
  • LOU GRAMM IS A WAY BETTER SINGER THAN STEVE PERRY
  • SOMETIMES I JUST HATE YOU

When I heard things from the list I wouldn’t know what else to do but say, “It’s alright, Kat,” and duck.

Still The Professor seemed like the kinda person you should do everything he says. So I came up with a plan to break the news to Kat. First I was going to play her “It’s Time for Me to Fly.” REO Speedwagon was the next closest thing to our other favorite bands, and I figured she’d MeToo it, and it would keep her from becoming The HateKat. Then I’d tell her the truth about me and Reality Travel.

I was just about to do it too, but then we had The Last Talk.

“We have to talk,” Kat said one night when she came back from work.

“Alright,” I said.

“The lease is running out on Our Own Place, and I don’t think we should renew it.”

“You want to get another place?”

“No, I think I should move back in with my parents, and you should move back to The Dorms.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t care about me at all anymore.”

“That’s not true.”

“If you did you’d be trying harder to be an Adult.”

“I’ve been trying.”

“Maybe a little at first, but lately you haven’t been trying at all. It’s like you’re distracted with something else.”

I knew it was time to tell her about Reality Travel, but I couldn’t stop looking at her mouth. I could too easily imagine how it would start turning into the shadowy skull fang mouth of The HateKat. I didn’t want to annoy it and cause it to say the worst thing that could possibly be on The Great List of MeNots, “I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

“Yes, you do,” she said. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“No, there’s not.”

“Now is the time to say it.”

“Everything’s al-fucking-right, Kat!”

Then it happened. There was a screech and a roar and a bony dark claw swiped at me.

“You’d talk if you were in Love. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AT ALL!”

I couldn’t think what to say, except, “Leave me alone, you horrible mean HateKat!”

Then I went into the bedroom and closed the door and never explained anything to her. And she never asked me to again. We just kinda stopped talking all together. Then we moved out and stopped seeing each other all together. It made me sad, and I didn’t like it, but at least she didn’t turn into The HateKat again and get to say the worst thing that could possibly be on The Great List of MeNots.

4.8 – Our Own Place

After our first year together Kat and I decided we Loved each other enough to live all the time in the same apartment, so we got Our Own Place. I was very excited cuz then I only hadta go to ALC just for classes and didn’t have to deal with the MeNotzie Dorms anymore. Kat had just graduated tho and had her own plans.

“I think since we have Our Own Place, we should start living like Adults now,” she said.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“I mean like we both get jobs, and we go to them every day during the week. And then on the weekends we go out and do things like buy furniture or paint the walls new colors. And we become experts on things like houseplants and coupons. And we get a kitten and raise it like our child!”

“I guess so,” I said.

So on the first day of Our Own Place we went to the pet store. On the way there was something I wanted to show Kat. I’d driven back and forth between OIC(R) and JONYCC a few times by then and had had a lot of time in Alone Reality listening to The Radio and discovered something. Whenever I tried to sing along to a song I was able to sound exactly like the singer. It was strange cuz most things I did at first I was a bad amateur at them, but singing didn’t seem to need any experience for me to be good. I just seemed to know by instinct how to make the air go off the right spots in my throat to match the pitch. I was even able to copy some of the most high and powerful ones.

“Hey, Kat,” I said, “listen to this…”

Then I put in The You&Me Mix to “I Wanna Know What Love Is.”

“Aw,” she said. “It’s our song.”

“Yeah, but listen to me sing it.”

I was nailing it right away on the verse. Then came the little pre-chorus part where Lou Gramm goes “in my life there’s been heartache and pain,” and the vocals suddenly get very high and powerful and I almost got it.

“You’re straining,” Kat said.

“But didn’t you hear?” I said. “I was hitting every pitch up until that last high and powerful one. And I think I can even hit that if I warm up a little. Maybe I should take Voice Training at Artsy Lawless.”

“Eh.”

I’d never heard Kat say that word before then.

“What’s eh?” I said.

“‘Eh’ is I used to take those kinds of classes too,” she said, “but they don’t help you at all when you become an Adult.”

“But what if I have some kind of natural talent?”

“You need to take classes that help you get a job. Like if you take math&science classes it can lead to you becoming a doctor. Then you’ll have a steady Adult salary that allows you to pay for all the things you need to survive.”

“But I don’t like math&science. I like singing a lot tho.”

“I’m telling you as someone who’s just graduated and out in The World now, singing is a waste of time.”

I started singing along with the song again anyway. I wanted to prove to Kat I really could nail every note.  The next time the chorus came along, you couldn’t tell any difference between my voice and Lou Gramm’s.

“Stop,” she said. “You’re ruining the song.”

“But I got it.  Didn’t you hear?”

“I put Foreigner on the mix, because I wanted to hear Foreigner, not Jonathan.”

Then I hadta shut up and decide not to sing in front of her again.

When we got to the pet store there was a really cute gray tabby that Kat had to have. She picked it up and snuggled it against her and it licked her face.

“He Loves me!” she said.

Then she handed it to me, and it licked my face too.

“Aw,” she said, “he Loves you too. It’s like he’s Your Son.”

“Alright,” I said.

But then the place where he licked got red and itchy, and my nose started sneezing.

“I think I’m allergic to it,” I said.

“But we have to get him. We Love him,” she said.

“What if I just sneeze all the time tho?”

“We’ll just get you some allergy medicine. You’ll be fine.”

“I guess so.”

Then we got Your Son.