9.19 – The CrossRoads

Suddenly my head snapped up and my eyes opened and me and Wings were driving on The Road again.  There was a big bright sunrise behind us, and somehow we’d gotten all the way to The Plains of Colorado.

 “Am I in the clear?” I asked Wings.  “Did the Perception finally wear off?”

Wings didn’t answer back, and I took it to mean things were going back to normal.  Then I stopped to get more gas, and when I went in the station it was just a regular Reality in there, who wasn’t a psychic or a monster or a God, and he did the pre-pay for me easily.

I was almost to the Road that led to Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains, and it seemed like I was pretty much home-free.  Except when I got back in the car The Crow was there in the front seat.

“You’re just a Perception!” I yelled at it.  “You can’t last forever.”

“I’m not just a Perception,” The Crow said in a strangely familiar voice.

“Yeah you are, but I guess since you’re here and can finally talk I am curious who you imaginarily are and why you were imaginarily helping me when I believed in imaginary Reality Travel.”

“Alright,” he said.

Then suddenly it wasn’t The Crow anymore but The Professor.  He was almost too big for the car and hadta adjust the seat all the way back so he’d fit.  He also had his arm in a sling.

“Yes,” he said, “The Crow has been me this whole time.  When you become advanced enough at Reality Travel you can Shapeshift into your True Animal Spirit.”

I knew that humans turning into animals was another thing on The Great List of Things That Aren’t Real, but I decided to play along anyway.

“What about all that stuff about how I couldn’t call and hadta Travel on my own and get my ass kicked?” I asked him.

“As part of The Training, each Traveler is entitled to get secret help for their first Great Trip,” he said.  “You’ve seen how hard the Travels are now.  You still needed The Training Wheels but also to feel like you were doing it all on your own.”

“Well, you imaginarily failed cuz I broke the imaginary Vow and gave up.”

“You’re not the first Traveler to go to War or to have Big Doubt.”

“Big Doubt’s not real.”

“It is, and it’s time for you to Dig Deep and Cure yourself or else you’ll be Eliminated.”

“Even if it was real, I’d have no idea how to Cure it.”

“Yes, you do… Remember your Thesis?”

“Please, if a Guardian Angel can’t even save you, why would a stupid song?”

“Because stupid songs are your True Passion.  They may not work for every Traveler, but it can work for you and many others.”

“Even if it could, I don’t have The Great Trip Mix anymore.”

“But I do.”

Then I looked over, and it was right there in his hand.

“I knew you’d be in trouble last night after I found out your Guardian Angel had been detained, so I came in to wake you up and inspire you to avoid War with The Eleventh Hour MeToo, but it was too late, and the Big Doubt was already beginning to set in.  I predicted what would happen from there and knew to rescue your most precious item, The Great Trip Mix, before it was lost or destroyed.”

Then he put it on and started playing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”  As soon as I heard the piano intro I could feel something changing inside my chest.  I tried to fight back tho and keep thinking about The Great List of What’s Not Real and the vision for My New Adult Life, but Steve Perry’s high and powerful voice came in and the feeling in my chest grew.  It was my Bluebird essence that had been pushed down into some deep corner of myself, and the song kept digging it out whether I wanted it to or not.  Then Steve Perry got to the line “looking just to find emotion hiding somewhere in the niiiiiiiiight,” and it was so high and powerful that some Bluebird got dug so far up it started coming out of my eyes as tears.  Soon the song got to its unconventional at-the-end-of-the-song chorus, and when I finally heard the words “Don’t stop believin’” I knew with total certainty that Reality Travel was real again.

“Oh my Gods!” I said when the song was over.  “I can’t believe I let that happen to me.”

“It’s Alright,” The Professor said.  “Now you’ll know how to deal with Big Doubt if it arises again.”

“But now what? This means The CrossRoads is totally real, and I hafta make the right choice or else!  What should I do, Professor?”

“I can’t make the choice for you, but I think you know in your heart the right thing to do.”

“Heart?  Does that mean choosing The Goddess of Faith because True Love is the most important thing even if we get Eliminated for it?”

“That would be a noble choice.”

“Or should I pick Reality Travel cuz that’s like the Love for all Realities in The World no matter what, and then neither of us will get Eliminated?”

“Also a noble choice.”

“But either way I’d be sacrificing too much.  I’m not sure if I can even handle Reality Travel without The Goddess of Faith.  I would just feel too Lonely, not Alright, and I’d get my ass kicked all the time. I’m not a very good Traveler, am I?”

“You have a lot of room for improvement.”

“What if I’m never that good?”

“Reality Travel isn’t about being good.  It’s about MeTooing in any way you can.  Maybe you’ll never be able to introduce yourself in person to New Realities very well, but you are good at singing, so sing to them.  Sing to them about getting your ass kicked and having the courage to keep going anyway, and believe me, Realities will MeToo.  Sing to them in every way you know how.  Sing to them with The Great List of Songs, with your own songs, and if that isn’t enough, sing a novel to them.  You have to trust me, if you just sing to them everything will be Alright.”

Suddenly I realized we were coming up on the point where Road-70 met Road-25, and where I’d hafta decide if I was going back to Where-ThePlains-Meets-TheMountains or not.

“This is The CrossRoads, isn’t it?” I said.

“Yes,” The Professor said, “and only you can make the decision about where to go from here.”

“But which Road means what?” I said.

But The Professor suddenly disappeared, and I hadta think about it all Alone.

“Alright,” I said to myself, “if I were still in Big Doubt I would’ve just gone North back to Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains, so that would probably get me Eliminated.  Going West will take me straight to the hard and treacherous Mountains where I’m terrified to Travel, and going South will take me to the Desert, which is also hard but at least it’s flat and the sun is always shining.  But I’m not sure which Fate is which.”

I was quickly approaching the exit when suddenly I saw The Goddess of Faith fly out of the sun from The South.  She seemed to be escaping from Guard Gods who were right on her tail, and I really wanted to try and save her.  As she got closer I could see her It’s Alright Baby glow and I realized how you only get one SoulMate and I would never Love or be Loved again like I am with her.  And even if we are both Eliminated at least it would be together and neither of us would have to feel the pains of Lonely existence ever again.

“Bluebird,” The Goddess of Faith yelled out, “I True Love you.”

“I True Love you, too,” I yelled back.

But at the moment it came time to change Roads I couldn’t do it.  I could only think about all The Realities of The World who might be destroyed by War and needed MeToos, and if I or The Goddess of Faith wasn’t there it would just make things a little worse for everyone.  It seemed too selfish to choose a Love that only we could feel for just one last second.  Even tho it would be hard, I knew I had to Love everyone in The World no matter what.

I kept driving down Road-70 right past Road-25 South and The Goddess of Faith and headed straight towards The Mountains. I didn’t know where it would lead, but as the Road started to go higher up, I started to feel so high and powerful.  I hit the gas down hard and pointed Wings to the sky, and soon we started flying above The Road, and over The Mountain peaks, and over the clouds, until soon we were so high we were in the OtherWorld, without even taking an outside Perception, and then there were just the feelings of high! and powerful! and I couldn’t help laughing and crying at the same time.

Just then I felt a surge of energy inside me start to collect and suddenly shoot out.  I let all my outer layers fall away, and I was pure Bluebird!  And The Crow and all The Gods were watching me, and The God of Judgment nodded his head, and The God of The Road was pumping his fist, and The Goddess of Music was leading the Other World RockNRoll Choir to sing for me.  And then I saw The Goddess of Faith in the rearview mirror, and she was smiling and happy for me even tho we wouldn’t get to be together again.  But suddenly all my Bluebird! gathered together and aimed towards her, and her It’s Alright, Baby! gathered together and aimed towards me, and in one swift moment they couldn’t help shooting at each other, and when they crashed together they exploded and formed Bluebird’s Alright, Baby!! and every one who witnessed it went,“Whoah we were all so wrong.”

And when The Professor Crow saw it he said, “Yes!”

And when The Goddess of Love saw it, she said, “True Love!”

And when The Goddess of Angels saw it, she said, “She must be his Angel forever!”

And when The God of Judgment saw it, he said, “Let The Record show that this is something beyond any of us, and we cannot stand in its way.”

And when The Goddess of Music saw it, she told her RockNRoll Choir to sing,“Here Comes the Sun,” and everyone in The Other World sang along, too.

And when we descended back to The World the Bluebird’s Alright, Baby!! finally broke apart, and we were The Bluebird and The Goddess of Faith again, and we were together in Wings driving thru The Mountains, and we were not afraid.  We were ready for the next Reality and everything was going to be Alright, Baby!

9.17 – (Witness) Me

Then I hadta go up and sit in the seat by The God of Judgment.  I got a close look at his white judge wig and big black gown and his red devil face.

“Sing for us, human,” he said.

But I didn’t feel like it.

“Did you hear what I said?  In a God Trial you have to do everything I tell you.”

I shrugged.

“C’mon,” The Goddess of Music yelled out, “don’t you wanna save your ass?”  Sing him ‘I Won’t Back Down’ or something.”

But I still didn’t.

“Why aren’t you singing?” The God of Judgment asked.

“What’s the point?” I said.

“The point is to decide your fate.  You could be Eliminated forever you know.”

“No, I won’t.”

“You don’t believe I have the power or the guts to?”

Then his eyes started glowing red and flames started shooting out of them right towards me.

“I won’t,” I said, “because none of this is actually real.”

“What do you mean this?” he said.

“The Other World, The Gods, The Trial…”

“Even me?”

“Especially you and your fire eyes.”

“But I’m right here talking to you.”

“You’re just a hallucination caused by Scorpion’s Pill.”

“What’s a Scorpion’s Pill?”

“It’s a Perception that’s sending chemicals into my brain, which is causing my imagination to seem real, but it’s actually not.”

“But you were a Reality Traveler before you took this Perception and you had to believe in The Gods.”

“I only did cuz it felt better to believe, but that only led to getting my ass kicked, and now I know the truth.”

“Why did you come all the way to The UnderWorld then?”

“I didn’t, cuz there is no UnderWorld.”

“This is so ridiculous,only a human could come up with it.”

“I don’t care what you think.  Pretty soon you’ll disappear, and me and Wings will be back on The Road in Kansas.”

“I’ve heard enough.”

Then he dismissed me and brought The Goddess of Angels back up.

“Goddess of Angels,” he said, “do you have any explanation for his delusional behavior?”

“It appears to be Big Doubt,” she said, “a BoobyTrap in which The Reality Traveler stops believin’ in Reality Travel anymore.  Most Travelers never recover from it.  Even more reason why we should just Eliminate him.”

“Could he snap out of it?”

“He has to Dig Down Deep and find a reason to believe, but I’m telling you he doesn’t have it in him.”

“Yes, he does!” The Goddess of Faith yelled out.  “Just give him a chance.”

“Crazy human! Crazy human!” the crowd chanted.

“Order!” The God of Judgment pounded his gavel.  “I’m ready to make my final Judgement!”

9.16 – (Witness) The Goddess of Music

The crowd looked around, but The Goddess of Music didn’t appear.

“I don’t think she’s here,” someone said.

“That rebel,” The God of Judgment said, “always doing the opposite of what the crowd does.”

Then he summoned the Guard Gods.

“Go find her and bring her back at once, and if she resists tell her you have a Subpoena, and she’ll be thrown in GodJail again if she doesn’t come.”

Not too long later The Guards came back with The Goddess of Music, kicking and screaming that it was all “bullshit.”  She looked kinda like my Mom, except she had big spiky hair and was wearing a punk style black leather jacket over her tunic.

“Goddess of Music,” The God of Judgment said, “What’s wrong with you?”

“I hate Trials,” she said.

“Well, relax, The Trial isn’t for you this time.  It’s for The Bluebird, who I assume you know.”

“Never heard of him.”

“Really?  You haven’t heard of one of your MusicMan Reality Travelers?”

“Everyone thinks they’re a MusicManorWoman.  I don’t even pay attention anymore.”

“So you’re saying if he was a better Reality Traveler he might’ve gotten your attention?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Haven’t you heard, Music?  The Bluebird’s on Trial for Love with a Goddess.”

“That’s a stupid Rule.”

“I don’t have to justify The Rules to you, rebel, and you can just leave if you don’t have anything to say on behalf of The Defendant.”

“Maybe I do know him, but first I hafta know if can get in trouble for anything I say here.”

“You’re granted immunity for your own crimes if you give us any helpful information.”

“In that case, yeah, I do know The Bluebird.  When he was a baby I gave him The Gift.  I made it so he’d be awesome at singing anything off the Great List of Old Songs.”

“Have you been watching him on The Travels?”

“Not only have I been watching, but I’ve been helping him.  Yeah, that’s right!  I gave him the divine inspiration to know all the songs to put on The Great Trip Mix, and then I’d try to make those songs play at moments when he really needed a MeToo. The only time I fucked up was with The Radiohead song, cuz I forget it was supposta be “High and Dry” instead of “Creep.”  So sorry about that Bluebird.  But yeah, God of JERKment, I’ve been Intervening this whole time!  Haha, whatcha gonna do about it now?!”

“Shame on you, Music, how will we ever know whether The Bluebird was actually a good Reality Traveler or whether you were just carrying him?”

“Oh come on, we all know that the MeNotzies are way too strong now. I’m just evening things out. Besides a Reality Traveler is supposta have The Gods on their side right?”

“Yes, but how much is not for you to determine.”

“Whatever, if you really wanna know if he can MeToo anyone just listen to him sing.  He’s great.  He’ll give you all The Chills.”

“Alright then, I now call upon The Bluebird himself to take The Stand.

9.4 – Track #8 of The Great Trip Mix: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”

To Graduate Reality Travel Training you hadta write a long paper, called The Thesis, on something no one had ever thought about Reality Travel before.  Wolf was doing his on how important Common Perception was, but I didn’t know at first what I wanted to do.  It seemed like everything about Reality Travel had already been thought about by the Great Travelers of the past.

Then one time I was delivering a pizza to the Colorado Future Adult Training School Dorms, and when I got there everyone was singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

“Don’t Stop Believin’” is a song about continuing to believe in something. Like how a Small Town Reality, a South Detroit Reality, and a singer Reality in a smoky room all believe they can find Emotion hiding somewhere in the night.  Sometimes it’s hard to believe in something like that, but if they stopped and didn’t hold onto that feeling, then they would for sure never find it.

I listened to that song all the time, cuz I always wanted to stop believin’in things.  After La Renarde I wanted to stop believin’ anyone would want to kiss me again. After Driver Training I wanted to stop believin’ I would ever be able to drive.  After the first night of Artsy Lawless I wanted to stop believin’ in going to school there.  After Kat I wanted to stop believin’ anyone would want to kiss me again.  After Chick Hunting with El Puma I wanted to stop believin’ anyone would want to kiss me again.  After The Dead Voice I wanted to stop believin’ I could sing ever again.  After the first day of Reality Travel Training I wanted to stop believin’ I could take my ass getting kicked.  After Marijuana Perception I wanted to stop believin’ I could take any more Adventures in Perceptionism. After my first day at CFATTY’s Pizza I wanted to stop believin’ that I could work any job. But every time I listened to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” I couldn’t help but keep believin’ in those things.

I wondered tho what all the Future Adults at CFATS didn’t want to stop believin’.  It seemed like becoming an Adult was the easiest thing in The World for most Realities, but maybe they had other things that were harder to believe in.  Maybe some were actually really Reality Travelers. Or maybe some just wanted to find a certain Emotion like in the song.

I started noticing “Don’t Stop Believin’” played around more than any other song.  Realities would always be playing it in their cars as they drove down street, or it would be on when you went inside a store or a restaurant.  Whenever I watched TV it was on there, and when a sports team won a championship they’d be singing the song, too.  Sometimes random Realities would just start humming in public in front of you, and one time it was playing at CFATTY’s Pizza, and The Pizza Maker who didn’t know any English started singing along word for word.  It started to seem like it might be The Most MeTooable Song on the whole Great List of Old Songs, and maybe the song itself had been Touched by The Goddess of Music with its own Gift to heal Realities.

I came up with a theory that if it could cure moments of Little Doubt about so many things for so many Realities, then maybe “Don’t Stop Believin’” could also be a cure for the Greatest Reality Traveler BoobyTrap of all, Big Doubt.  I hadn’t gotten it myself yet, and I didn’t know any other Traveler who’d had it, so there was no way to prove it for sure.  But I studied every fact about the band and the song and every major personal and Worldwide instance of it being played, and wrote the required 25 pages for The Thesis about how if there was one song high and powerful enough to beat Big Doubt this had to be it.  I turned it into The Professor, and he read it and said it was a good enough idea that I could Graduate Reality Travel Training.

9.1 – The Great List of What’s Not Real

When I woke up it wasn’t the next day, but the day after that.  I knew I was supposta be at CFATTY’s for work, and they were calling me, but I didn’t call back.  I was also still Hungover, and didn’t have any Whatever-You-Drank-Two-Nights-Ago to cure it, but in another way I felt kinduv alrightcuz I knew The Great List of What’s Not Real…

I’m not The Bluebird, I’m just Jonathan.

 I’m not a MusicMan who MeToos via The Great List of Songs.  I just get mad when people don’t like the same songs as me.

I’m not a Reality Traveler cuz Reality Travel isn’t real.  I made it up cuz I was an insecure kid who wanted to feel more important. 

Everyone else I called Reality Travelers were also just insecure people who wanted to feel more important.

Wolf’s name isn’t really Wolf.  He doesn’t even really look like a wolf.  I just like animals a lot.

The Professor isn’t real.  I made up all the concepts and terminology and lessons of Reality Travel.

Reality Travel Training isn’t real.  I really went just went to graduate school.

Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains is just a fancy way of saying Colorado.

The Crow repeatedly appearing inside places it shouldn’t have been was just a coincidence.

The Gods aren’t real.  Nothing created us and nothing cares if we’re destroyed. 

The OtherWorld isn’t real.  It’s just a hallucination caused by certain Perceptions, which are actually just drugs.

It’s impossible to TimeTravel.  You can only be in this present moment, which quickly vanishes forever.

The Goddess of Music isn’t real.  All songs from The Mix played during The Great Trip were just coincidences. I was not Touched and given The Gift, I was just naturally a good singer probably cuz of genetics.

The Goddess of Faith isn’t real.  She was just a fantasy of a woman who completely accepted me cuz no real woman ever has.

Because The Gods and The Goddess of Faith aren’t real, I will not get Eliminated for breaking God Rules and will continue to be alive.

Because Reality Travel isn’t real, I won’t even get The Malaise.

Because Reality Travel isn’t real, I didn’t break any Vow by going to War with The General&The Admiral, and they deserved to bleed.

The Professor would say The Great List of What’s Not Real is just a symptom of Big Doubt.  But like all other Reality Traveler BoobyTraps, Big Doubt is also not real.

8.12 – Track #17 of The Great Trip Mix: Radiohead’s “High and Dry”

I knew TheGeneral&TheAdmiral would still be tough to MeToo, but I didn’t know much about Red.  I waited for them to go to the balcony to smoke, and then I went up to talk to her.

“Did La Renarde ever tell you about Reality Travel?” I asked her.

“Who’s that?”
“Your sister.”

“Oh you mean Fox.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god, she usta be so weird,” she said.  “I’m glad she’s finally starting to get normal now.”

“Reality Travel isn’t weird.  It’s all about the best thing in the world, MeTooing.”

“Oh my god, my sister usta say that word all the time.  I hated it.”

“You don’t like when someone relates with you about something?”

She shrugged.

“Wouldn’t it make you feel good if I said something like I’m getting kinda drunk too right now?” I said.

“Oh my god, you must be a Lightweight,” she said and poked me.  “I’m not drunk at all!”

“You’re on like your second huge vodka and cranberry tho, and you have a pretty small body weight, and I just saw you stumble over the couch a minute ago.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Red, don’t be a MeNotzie.”

“I hate that word, too.”

“It’s a good word, cuz you’re not supposta be one.  Especially a HighNDry MeNotzie, just like in the Radiohead song.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Radiohead’s “High and Dry” is a song about The Worst Kind of MeNotzie.  One who could easily MeToo a Reality, but chooses to lie about it instead.  Like you might both be low and wet, but they’ll say they’re high and dry, and then you feel all Alone when you didn’t even have to.”

“Sounds boring.”

“It’s not at all. You just hafta listen to it.”

I’d made sure to bring The Great Trip Mix in with me just for this kind of MeToo opportunity, and then I played it for her.

“This is old and depressing,” she said.

“Do you really think that, or are you just lying and leaving me HighNDry again?”

“I never lie.”

“Every Reality lies sometimes.”

Just then The General&The Admiral came back in.

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said, “music.”

“Sounds to me like another futile attempt to MeToo,” The General said.

“It’s not futile,” I said.

And then I started singing along to the song, so at least the highness and powerfullness of my voice could MeToo them.  It turned out my Dead Voice from the night before had magically worn off.  I was back to full strength and nailing it right away.  It raised all of their eyebrows, The Admiral didn’t laugh, The General nodded his head and went,“Hmm,” and I noticed Red was even rubbing her arms.

“You’re getting The Chills aren’t you, Red?!” I said.

“No, it’s just a little cold in here.”

“My Gods!  It’s alright to tell the truth.”

“Ah, yes,” The General said.  “The Gods.  The ones you were chosen by to become this Reality Traveler thing.”

“That’s right,” I said.

“Tell me, how do you know if they’ve chosen you?”

“You just know.”

“How do you know it’s not just all in your own head?”

“I’ve seen them.  I’ve spoken to them.  I have a Guardian Angel who’s my girlfriend.”

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “Imaginary.”

“She’s completely real.  I could summon her right now.”

“I would love to see that,” The General said.

“Alright,” I said, “but first I have to make a sacrifice.”

Then I took one of the bottles from The Stash and dumped it in the sink.  Everyone cringed for a second, but I motioned for them to trust me.

“Goddess Faith,” I said, “Now is the time.”

But after a couple minutes nothing happened, and she wasn’t there before us.

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said, “no Angel.”

“As predicted,” The General said.

“She’s just slowed down for some reason,” I said.  “She’ll definitely be here soon.”

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “Don’t hold your breath.”

“Wait,” I said, “I have another way to prove The Gods exist and are on my side.”

Then I pointed at The Mix.

“I’ve been touched by The Goddess of Music,” I said, “and she’s been helping me on the Great Trip by serendipitously playing songs from this Mix when I need a MeToo.  If we turn on The Radio right now, I guarantee one of these exact 18 tracks plus bonus track will be playing.”

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “Apollo.”

“That’s no proof of anything,” The General said. “That could just be a coincidence.”

“Sometimes the odds of something happening is so low it has to be The Gods,” I said.

“The only way I’ll accept this challenge is if I get to choose The Radio station,” The General said.

“Alright,” I said.

The General had a Super Radio that had every different kind of station on it.  A lot of them I’d never even heard of before.  He started to go thru them all.

“90’s Suburban Hits,” he said.  “I bet you’d loveme to put that one on, wouldn’t you?  But for this to be a true test of The Gods, I think it should be a station you’d never ever listen to.”

“I listen to lots of stations,” I lied.

“Is that so?  Because I have a feeling you wouldn’t listen to something like… New Dance Hits.”

“Oh my god!” Red said. “I love that station.”

“Alright,” I said, “put on New Dance Hits.  The Gods will still come thru for me.”

Then The General put it on, and the first song playing was Radiohead’s “Creep.”

“Creep” is not a New Dance Hit at all.  It’s a 90’s Suburban Hit about wanting to be Special but actually being a Creep.  Everyone can MeToo with a Special Reality, but a Creep Reality is so different from everyone else that no one can possibly MeToo them.

We double-checked to see if the station was right, and it clearly still said “New Dance Hits.”

“It’s a Goddess of Music miracle!” I said.

The General, tho, was looking closely at the Mix’s track listing.

“Yes,” he said.  “Except this song isn’t on there.  You lose.  As always.”

“But Radiohead is on there,” I said.  “‘High and Dry.’ We were just listening to it.”

“I see that,” The General said, “and this is some strange anomaly I will agree, but the deal was it had to be an exact song on your Mix, and the fact is this is ‘Creep’ not ‘High and Dry.’”

“Isn’t it close enough?”

“Close only counts in hand grenades.”

“Oh my god,” Red said, “this is even more old and depressing than the other one.”

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “Creeps.”

“What are you laughing at?” I said.  “You’re a Creep.”

“Hahaha, you are.”

“No you are, you drunk.”

“Hahaha, I’m not drunk at all.  I’m a sober skipper.”

“Shut up.  We’re all drunk.”

“Oh my god,” Red said, “I’m not even feeling a thing yet.”

“She’s right,” The General said.  “We’ve barely drank anything.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re already drunk tho.”

“I am drunk.  I’ll admit it.  We all wanted to get drunk, and now we are.  We did exactly what we wanted to do.  Why lie about it?”

“Hahaha,” The Admiral said.  “Lightweight.”

“Stop leaving me HighNDry, you Creeps!”

“The only Creep here is you,” The General said.

“You’re the biggest Creep I’ve ever met.  I bet you’re actually miserable inside and feel like there’s nothing special about you.”

“No, I’m a very happy person.  I have a lot of money and people like me.”

“I don’t like you.”

“That doesn’t sound very MeToo to me.  What do you think Admiral?”

“Hahaha,” he said, “me neither.”

“I mean, what must The Gods think of you right now, Hippie Dippie?”

“I know what one God thinks of me,” I said, “and I’m going to get her right now.”

5.11 – The Adult Bar Band

Soon after Wolf called, a band started playing at the Adult Bar. It was a classic drum-bass-two guitar-singer rock band just like The Beatles. I wanted them to be good, cuz they were covering old Radio Hits that could’ve MeToo’d everyone there, but the singer was like a quiet little mouse and his voice was so small no one even knew what songs they were trying to do. I hadta order another drink to deal with it.

I was doing pretty well at ignoring them until they started trying to play “Cupid.”

It sounded like Sam UnCooked.  It was low, weak, and had all the smoothness of sandpaper.

“No!” it made me scream out.

I needed someone to share in my frustration. I looked over at El Puma, but he was deep in conversation with his new best Adult friend. So I turned back to the Adult chick next to me.

“Can you believe they’re doing this song?” I said.

“Oh,” she said. “I hate to admit it, but I don’t actually know this one.”

“Well, this song is great! But the band isn’t doing it justice!”

Then I started singing the words so she’d know how it was really supposta sound.

“You have a great voice,” she said. “Do you sing in a band?”

“No, but I should be in their band right now.”

“Their frontman is a little timid.”

I looked back up and his posture was all shriveled up and his nose and eyes were pointed to the floor.  It seemed like he’d rather swipe a crumb and scurry into the nearest hole then play music.

“If you weren’t Touched by The Goddess of Music you shouldn’t even try,” I said.

“Goddess of Music?” she asked.

“Goddess damn right! Watch this.”

Then I got off my stool and headed up to the stage.

“Cupid draw back your bow and let your arrow go!” I sang loudly all the way up there, and it was easily way louder than the singer even tho he had a microphone. Then the song started sounding like the real version and nearby Adults started taking notice.

“Hey,” an Adult said. “This song was on The Radio when I was a kid!”

Then a few of the Adults came closer to the stage, and some of them starting singing along too and even dancing.

“This wouldn’t be happening without me!” I told them and kept singing.

When the song was over everyone clapped, but the singer looked upset probably cuz he knew he had nothing to do with it.

“You’re welcome everyone,” I bowed and went back to my stool.

“Did you hear that?” I asked the Adult chick next to me.

“Yeah,” she said, “but I kinda feel bad for the singer. You kinduv upstaged him.”

“Oh, who cares. The MeToo justifies The Means.”

Then I needed another drink, but when I asked for it the Bartender wouldn’t make me one.

“You’re cut off,” she said.

“What?! Why?”

“You’re too drunk.”

I looked over at the Adult chick next to me, and she was cringing. And the guy next to her was laughing.

“Can’t hold their liquor too well up in Canada, eh?” he laughed. “Lightweight!”

“I’m barely even in Alcohol Perception at all,” I tried to tell them.

“I’ve been at this for a long time,” The Bartender said. “I know the signs. No one sings that loudly unless they’re wasted.”

“No, you sing like that when you’re a Great Reality Traveler who’s been Touched by The Goddess of Music and just MeToo’d your whole fucking bar.”

“Kid, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

By then El Puma had caught wind of the situation and tried to jump in to help.

“This is the Great Reality Traveler Jonathan,” he told The Bartender. “His word is bound by The Gods. If he says he is not drunk, he is not drunk.”

“Look Mr. Just-a-Water,” she said. “Why don’t you get your friend to pay his tab and get out of here, before we have a problem.”

Then El Puma turned to me.

“I know this is a great injustice,” he said, “but I know these Adults, and we may not want to War with them.”

“All I know is a Traveler never apologizes when the other Reality is the one being bullshit.”

“I am sure this comes straight from the mouth of your finest Reality Travel Training Professors, but we have to remember the Adults are very close with the police.”

I looked back at the Bartender, the spiders in her eyes were extra crawly with way too many bristly legs and poison dripping off them.

“Alright, fine,” I said. “We’ll go, but only cuz this place is a MeToo-Impossible House of MeNotzism and Music-Death.”

I paid and was just about to leave when I checked the inside of my jacket and realized I had some final words for everyone in there.

“I’m The Fucking Bluebird,” I yelled to the whole bar. “I’m a Musicman Traveler who flies to all Realities and sings to them. But you’re all bullshit Adults. Fuck all of you!”

Then we ran out the door.