Old Wolfy then introduced me to The Great List of Wedding Realities…

Old Wolfy
Wolf’s Mother, SheWolfy
Wolf’s Sister
Wolf’s Sister’s Fiancee
Uncle White Fang
Aunt Fullmoon
Cousin The Nothing
Cousin The Nothing’s Date
Peter
Peter’s Date
Girl In Little Red Hoodie
Girl In Little Red Hoodie’s Grandmother
Girl In Little Red Hoodie’s Grandmother’s Date
Didn’t Make An Impression
Didn’t Make An Impression’s Date
Lamb’s Dad, Ram
Lamb’s Mom, Ewe
Lamb’s Younger Sister
Lamb’s Younger Sister’s Date
Lamb’s Youngest Sister
Lamb’s Youngest Sister’s Date
Uncle Bighorn
Aunt Bo Peep
Cousin Blacksheep
Cousin Blacksheep’s Date
Mary
Mary’s Date
So (Male)
So (Female)
Wild Turkey
Wild Turkey’s Date
Someone Else I Can’t Remember
Someone Else I Can’t Remember’s Date
The Perceptionism Professor
The Perceptionism Professor’s Date
Scorpion, The Best Man
Scorpion, The Best Man’s Wife
Emperor Penguin

He introduced me to each one as The Guy Who Drove All The Way From Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains. They’d say something like, “How bout that.” Then I’d get too frozen to shake their hand or ask them any questions, and they’d get uncomfortable and turn away unMeToo’d. Old Wolfy would give me a strange look like, “You’re supposta be a Reality Traveler, right?” and then he’d just push me ahead to the next Reality.

The last Reality I was introduced to was a younger guy who had the best looking tuxedo of anyone there. It was a good shiny black, but most importantly it had a golden bowtie that was so shiny it looked like it was made of actual sun. When we got to him he was in the middle of tickling a pretty girl who was laughing very hard. He was so cool and comfortable it was like he tickled someone while wearing a Tuxedo every single day of his life.

“This is Emperor Penguin,” Old Wolfy said. “He’s The Usher.”

Some Realities at The Wedding were so important they were given titles and tasks like helping Realities find their seats during the ceremony. I’d heard about The Usher before. He was Wolf’s best friend in HighSchool, and he was supposta be some kind of Musicman Traveler who MeToo’d via being a RockStar.

Old Wolfy interrupted the tickling and got his attention.

“I’d like to introduce you to The Guy Who Drove All The Way From Where-ThePlains-Meet-TheMountains,” he said.

Emperor Penguin looked me up and down.

“Who are you?” he said. “The Prom Chaperone?”

The Prom Chaperone is an Adult about monitoring kids at a school dance. At the dance the kids dress in their finest clothes to impress each other, but The Chaperone doesn’t care about impressing kids and wears something in between their regular clothes and their finest clothes.

I didn’t like Emperor Penguin’s question and didn’t answer it. I waited for him to say “I’m just fucking with you,” but strangely he never said it. He just laughed and turned away and started tickling the pretty girl again.

“Stop, haha” she laughed and didn’t try to get away.

“I guess he’s hitting it off with Lamb’s sister,” Old Wolfy said.

“I guess so,” I said.

“What can you say? He’s a RockStar.”

But I’m the RockStar, I thought to myself.