4.12 – Full House

When I woke up the next day at Kat’s parents’ house, she was gone at work. Your Son was lying on my neck and licking me all over. My face was so snotted up I hadta do a full head-dunk in the sink before I could do anything else. I took a double dose of Benadryl Perception, grabbed some Fudge Grams and went to the couch. It seemed like maybe there were other Reality Travel things I was supposta do that day, but I watched episodes of Full House on TV instead.

Full House is an old TV show about Reality Travel. In it a Musicman Traveler, known as Uncle Jesse, is trapped in an overpopulated house of nothing but Adults and Children who adorably say Adult things like “How Rude?!” He is supposta be MeTooing the World with RockNRoll, but instead the Full House Dominates him into becoming a babysitter. They make him do things like take the Kids to School, and enforce bedtimes, and change diapers. He’s so busy there’s never enough time to Travel on his motorcycle or make MeToo songs.

My favorite episode was when Uncle Jesse is finally sick of Domination and tries to break free. He rides his motorcycle far away to his old Reality Traveler allies, and they play music together again, and some of them are pretty girls who really like the way his voice sounds.

“Yes, Uncle Jesse!” I said to the TV. “Stay there forever.”

But talking to the TV didn’t help. Eventually the Full House lured him back by tricking him that one of the Kids was sick and he was the only one who could make her well. Then Uncle Jesse was brainwashed into realizing he actually Loved the Kids more now than Reality Travel, and he never left the Full House again.

“Aw,” I said. “I guess you can’t blame him too much. The Kids are very adorable.”

3.11 – Great Old Movies

Somehow my parents’ Self Growth hadn’t affected The TV yet. They still had a huge one with the latest technology and every single possible channel. As soon as Mom turned it on, its lights and sounds gave me a second wind of energy. The TimeFuck dizziness eased up, and I was able to get off the floor and sit up on the couch.

I grabbed the remote, and it felt good and comfortable in my hand. I hadn’t watched any TV during The Training, but it was all coming back to me. I used the remote to control the TV with the highest speed and accuracy. The goal was to find a good show, and I knew from one or two seconds of light and sound whether I needed to stay or move on. Even when you found a good show it would be interrupted every so often by a company trying to persuade you to buy their products, and you’d have to find another show to tie you over for a couple minutes. One commercial came on tho and managed to hook me in. It showed a juicy hamburger on a smooth bun with a side of golden french fries and big-strawed soft drink to wash it down. Then it showed the golden arches logo of McDonald’s, and my mouth was watering with TimeFuck.

“No!” I said. “Torture commercials.”

“Put it on one of the movie channels then,” Mom said.

“Oh yeah.”

There are certain channels you pay extra for to have no commercials and only movies. I turned it to one that was showing one of my favorite things on the Great List of Old Movies, Big.

Big is a movie about Reality Travel. In it a small teenage boy is sick of taller MeNotzies and makes a wish to be big like them so they’ll finally MeToo. But the wishing machine misunderstands him and turns him into an Adult instead. He’s not a Reality Traveler and has probably never even heard of it before, yet he is forced to deal with the highest degree of difficulty Reality Travel ever. He’s suddenly cut off from his family and most familiar Past Realities and must MeToo an endless series of New Adult Realities including jobs, girlfriends, and the dangerous and unpredictable random Realities of NewYorkCity, all in a body he’s never operated before. He gets his ass kicked badly at first, but somehow avoids Vertigo and ends up MeTooing them all, including an Adult lady SoulMate, in one swift stroke by playing “Chopsticks” with his feet on a giant electronic keyboard.

“Chopsticks” is a song about being the first thing you learn to play on the piano. Every Reality knows it.

“Bravo!” I clapped when it was over.

I would’ve hoped that I could be half the Traveler the Big kid ended up being, but I was actually starting to forget what Reality Travel was anymore. The TimeWarp seemed to be getting stronger the longer I was there. I was even beginning to think I was still a kid. So I just did what I would’ve done until I got The Calling, nuzzled into a nice couch groove and watched the next great old movie.

“Ooh, Crocodile Dundee,” I said.

 Crocodile Dundee is a movie about Reality Travel, too. In it a crocodile hunter from the far off and exciting Realities of the Australian Outback follows his SoulMate to her home in NewYorkCity. It’s his first time ever Reality Traveling, and tho he’s an expert at survival in the wilderness he’s an amateur in the Realities of a huge American city. But Crocodile Dundee is a Natural at Reality Travel and nothing kicks his ass ever. All of his Australian quirks like saying “G’day” and wearing a crocodile tooth hat and carrying a very big sharp knife are all wildly MeToo successful no matter where he was.

The movie was so soothing and relaxing for me, I fell asleep before it was over. It was alright tho, I had seen it so many times I had no doubt Crocodile Dundee would use his wilderness skills to hunt down his SoulMate in the subway and tell her he Loves her before it’s too late, so they could live It’s Alright, Baby ever after.

3.10 – The Professor’s Training Lesson: TV

“Beware of TV,” The Professor said. “TV enables the light and sound of one Reality to instantly Travel to any other Reality in The World no matter the time and distance. It can feel as if you’re on a Great Reality Travel Trip and you’re getting MeToo’d by many far off and exciting Realities, but the truth is you haven’t actually Traveled off your couch. The light and sound have also been manipulated by TV Producers to make you think something is real when it’s actually fiction. But even if it was real, you would never be able to MeToo the TV back.”

3.9 – Dogfight

When I came back in from the garage the Buddhawg was there waiting for me again. He leapt up and was quick enough this time to actually get a whole dangling finger in his mouth. It made me hurt.

“Sorry,” Mom said. “I let him back out because I thought you were going out.”

“How would I do that?” I said. “I can’t drive ever.”

But she couldn’t hear me cuz the air was full of barking.

“Hold on,” she came over. “Let me put him back in the cage.”

“No, wait,” I said. “This time I want revenge.”

Then I led the Buddhawg to the living floor and got down on my knees to his level. We stared and growled at each other.  We faced off like two enemy fighter pilots in the First Great Reality War.

“The old dog didn’t bite,” I told him. “Dogritos was a creature of Pure Love and only wanted to be cuddled and squeezed.”

“Yap, yap,” Buddhawg said.

“Now I’m going to overpower you and make you exactly like her.”

Then I lunged in and smothered him with the weight of my much heavier body. I got nipped on the hands a couple times, but I was able to grab him by the neck, raise him up, and smush my face right into his furry and vulnerable underside. Then I pulled away so I could pinch his little black nose and see how wet it was. The Buddhawg snorted and fought to break free, but my species was just so much more powerful.

“I’m doing it,” I said. “I’m winning. Just like Le Rouge Baron.”

Buddhawg didn’t give up tho. The moment I let up he squirmed away and got several nips in. I tried to pin him back down again, but the whole fight my head had been getting more TimeFuck swirly. Soon I was out of breath and hadta lay flat down on my belly. Then I was defenseless, and my hands got nipped so many times.

“Can’t beat him,” I mumbled into the carpet.

Then I hadta call Mom over to rescue me. She came over, scooped up and imprisoned the biting dog once again. I kept lying there tho.

“Tsst,” she said. “No wonder you’re so tired. You haven’t eaten or rested all day.”

“I don’t know,” I told her. “I just know I only want one thing now.

“What?”

“TV.”